Do you really want to stay with someone who decided (he chose!) to do the wrong thing (only he %26amp; God knows exactly how many times) and hurt you by betraying your trust, faith and love? If you love yourself, you'd cut him loose. He is a weak person. You will, for a very long time, maybe forever, be afraid that he will hurt you again. You will wonder, each and every time when he is late or 'can't make it,' whether he is up to no good. You will wonder if he is lying, even when he tells the truth! (You will never be sure! It is hard enough to believe someone all the time even under the best circumstances, but it's much harder under yours!)
You'd both need extensive therapy and he'd need to be completely transparent and accountable to you for every move he makes from now until forever. You will need to see evidence that he is willing to be an open book to you for as long as you need him to be...in order that he proves his trustworthiness. If he balks or has any problems doing so or gives you any lip or attitude, then he is hiding more than you know and not willing to correct his mistake(s). He could even turn this around and blame you for being so-and-so or such-and-such, and that you drive him to look for comfort from someone else. Don't believe that! Anyone having an issue with a bf/gf, husband/wife, etc., CHOOSES how she/he will behave in order to address the issue(s) and knows that cheating is wrong, weak and hurtful. It is the ultimate betrayal because it trashes the gift of your love. It is like a slap in your face, to say, "I don't care to treat you with the respect that you deserve. I will treat you like a stranger! I owe you no loyalty or honesty because our bond and trust are not important enough for me to honor and keep sacred. I know you will be hurt, as I would if you cheat on me, but I do not care...I just want what I want, so screw you!"
It's unclear if you are engaged to be married but you say you're planning the rest of your life with him and you'd be raising his child. Neither conditions are true. Even as a stepmom, you have no say in what happens with the child nor how the child is to be disciplined... that is all up to the natural mother and/or father. Ever watch Judge Judy? She'll tell you that. She'll also tell you that you're lucky to find out his character before you're married, which would make things more complicated and more painful to dissolve.
So, to sum up answers to your questions...
1) yes, you can forgive (because forgiveness is what you do for yourself, not for the person who unfairly hurt you!)
2) no one expects you to stay (he might because he is selfish, weak, immature and assumes you love him more than you care about yourself!)
3) you do not need to help him raise his child (it will never be your responsibility)
4) yes, you can turn your back on his distorted love (when your lover has shown you his love is unkind and untrue)
5) you can tak yourself out of this picture (and cut your losses!)
6) if you choose to stay, do it with your eyes wide open to the dangers you will be accepting... and the hard work that it will take when your relationship has already been damaged by his deception... know that you have a weak foundation... know that you will be investing more time, which may still not get you what you wished.
Good luck. You are stronger than you think. You can grieve your loss. In time, you can celebrate the 'good' that you did share, and move on to greater love, joy, peace. It is up to you to allow only worthy people into your heart.
Sorry to go on so long, but your heart and love are important. Make wise choices...especially when the one you trusted has not.|||Thanks, everyone. Turns out, it was more than a one-night-fling, which almost everybody who replied stated. He is scum and I deserve better! So we are through!
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|||If you dump him, you don't really love him. If the indiscretion happened before you met him, would it have mattered? You will either forgive this mistake and move on with him, or turn him over to a woman who can appreciate him for who he is.|||i have forgiven a lover for cheating on me after 3 years in the relationship. but i choose not to stay with him, make your decision that works for you|||You need to ask yourself if you will be able to put this behind you. Or will this betrayal haunt your relationship until it splits you two up? I've been in your shoes. And I feel that once the trust is lost or broken that there is not much left. Not only did he cheat on you but he kept it from you for quite some time. What else could he be keeping from you? You need to really talk to him and find out why he felt the need to cheat. This is really your call. I feel like GOD does thinks to warn us or to show us. He sends us signs. And for this to come out like this just makes me wonder what else he could be doing. Maybe he is still doing things behind your back and GOD is trying to warn you to be careful. You might catch something.. Chose wisely sweety.. You'll get thru it!!! Be strong!!|||I am sorry to hear about your situation, that's pretty messed up. I do believe that you can forgive your man for his mistake. We are all human, and the fact is we all F**k up big time at some point or another. If you love him you will also make sure that he remains a part fo the childs life. I wouldn't let him off the hook too easy though. I would keep a close eye on him, just to make sure he doesn't sleep with someone else again down the line. Always trust your gut instinct on things, don't ignore things. Since he did cheat remember that it is possible he may do it again, especially since you knew nothing about it. If the baby wasn't born you still wouldn't know.|||forgive and forget, you will feel much better|||Well if it was me..i would be out of there. Well first off, if he kept this so quiet, how many more are out there. Also cheating is one thing, but a child...oh boy. It means it will never go away. Id probably say time to move on.|||If he is your true love then yes. True love is unconditional. Victoria Beckham got cheated on by her husband David and months after finding out she gave birth. She was pregnant when he cheated on her with some models. Then look at Hillary Clinton, Bill has cheated MANY times. True love can overcome this kind of stuff. it takes time and effort from both parts... If he really loves you even after his mistake he'll try to do what's right and stay with you. Then he'll realize the mistake he did by hurting the woman that really loved him and stayed with him after all this stuff he did.|||Ummm, he had a child with someone else while you were with him. He didn't tell you anything and I bet that you didn't suspect anything because he was alright with it. Who knows how many times he had done it. Who knows if it was truly a one-night stand or if he merely said that to save his skin.
Think about this. He got someone else pregnant. Hence he had unprotected sex with someone else... maybe. Plus it was a one night stand, did he know anything about her? He's still having sex with you. Who knows what he could have brought in. Its not the idea of him having sex that's so bad, but what it could mean for your relationship. He was actually comfortable with keeping it from you. Its usually the 1st time that's the hardest.|||To answer your question, you CAN forgive him, and, eventually, you may come to trust him again. Whether you choose to or not is your decision.
Personally, infidelity to me is a deal breaker, and I'd be out of there. It is especially telling that he cheated on you and didn't choose to tell you until he could no longer avoid doing so. This isn't integrity, and this isn't honesty. He was backed into a corner. He HAD to tell you. Do you really want to be with someone who has to be backed into a corner before he will tell you the truth?
Love is grand and sweet and all, but it is only one component of a successful relationship. It's daunting to start over, I know (I was in a relationship a few months shy of 6 years), but just remember that he is not the be all, end all, regardless of whether or not you planned to spend the rest of your life with him.
Life is flexible, and life plans can change.
Take care.|||Well, it is possible to get back to a relationship after infidelity. May I recommend couples counseling? It can be obtained through almost any ecclesiastical leader. Good luck. Perhaps you may be able to love this baby as you would your own.|||No I couldn't. How will i know he won't do it again?|||Let me see, you have a bf of 6 yrs who hasn't committed to you in marriage, but makes a baby with at least one other woman. You like being an item of convenience, someone to hang out with, but never commit fully too? Why would you raise his child if he isn't a responsible person? Is that really a life you want? Don't be a dormat, get with a real man, and don't let unforgiveness ruin your own life.|||If you love him and trust that he will never cheat again, then stick with him. Don't leave him now when he really needs your love and support. Besides, being a step-mom might be a real joy for you. Hang in there. Things have a way of working themselves out. Good luck.|||wow..Im sorry about the situation...I don't think I'd be able to forgive something like that. I think once the trust has been violated then its so so so hard to get it back. I don't think I should have to work so hard at trusting my partner again when they were the ones that screwed up..let them pay for it. I'd dump him. A baby? thats even worse...but its ultimately up to you.|||if he is your true love you can forgive him. NOTHING MORE TO SAY!!|||love can forgive everything, but only stay with him if you are willing to forget everything that happened and not hate his new baby. it is possible but some people cant let go sometimes and stay with that person and make the relationship a living hell. people make mistakes and sometimes they learn from it. if he is willing to make it up to you, go for it!!!!|||I'm not sure if this really was a one-time thing. It was one time that he got caught. Most people will only admit to as much as you already know.
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