My husband and I have been together nearly 6 years but we only got married 2 months ago. He just got back from a week and a half away with his band on tour. When he came home we had sex twice that day. The next day I gave him oral, then a couple days later, he seemed not himself, so I asked him what was wrong. He just grabbed my hands and said, "beautiful, I'm so sorry. When I was on tour, I was unfaithful." I couldn't believe it. Me and him were THAT couple that everyone constantly went on and on about how in love we are, and especially how he looked at me. On our wedding day people were just baffled at how together we were and how perfectly in love we were with each other. Everyone said that if only one couple would last, it would be us. We have been best friends long before we dated. He is the smartest person I know (I thought) and MANY of our friends and family would say the same thing too. He is so well read and constantly writing as his goal in life is to be the best he can be as a husband and future father and as a human being. But to me, he failed because he did the one thing that will always and forever make us different people. How could he do this? We've talked for days and days now and just sat with each other and ignored the outside world to focus on us and figure out the root of the problem. The main problem is, there wasn't a problem. I felt like I was high on love and felt like the LUCKIEST person in the world because I knew I had the BEST man out there (for me) and he said the same things about me. And now my options are to stay knowing that things will always be a little worse, or leave and probably never feel anything again. Oh my god, I had never thought in a million years that there was only one person out there for you, and he made me realize that for me, there was and he was that one person. He made me wanna be a better person and I made him wanna be a better person...or did I? He has been crying for days and apologizing over and over and he's been throwing up when he thinks about it. He has been VERY honest about EVERYTHING. I know that he hasn't done this in the past...but how do I know he won't do it in the future. He said he was SO drunk and has never been that drunk before. He said it was like all of a sudden he was watching himself in a movie and he couldn't believe what was happening. He said It was like he lost complete control. The next day on the drive home he said he just couldn't figure out why he would do such a thing to the most important person in his life, he kept saying to himself, "but I love my wife, why would I do that". But how could you just forget about your wife for a night? Well not even a night. The biggest problem, he didn't use a condom and though he said he never "finished" I am still so worried about STD's. He said that right afterwards he just felt ashamed and guilty and knew he had to tell me, but didn't know how since trust is a BIG one for me. I have a hard time trusting people considering I come from a family of drug addicts. My father is an alcoholic who I haven't seen or spoken with for 4 years now. He abandoned me and my brother as a child and started making false promises constantly when I was about 16 years old. He has never come through with one of the promises.
My husband said he is quitting the band even if I don't stay with him because this proves that it doesn't bring out the best in him (he has been in the band for 12 years) and he said he doesn't want to be THAT person. He doesn't have a drinking problem in the least, but he said that he won't drink again because it makes you lose control and he said he never wants to be there again. He also said he is going to counselling and is begging me to go as well. He thinks it's would be good if we went to the same person for marriage counselling and then talk that that same person individually as well. He said this way I could ask the counselor anything about what he said in his sessions and he would have no problem with the counselor telling me. Me and my husband honestly have no secrets...but is it possible to trust again? I feel so alone and dirty and disrespected and humiliated. How would we ever be able to have sex again? It seems so hard. Am I just a sex object to him sometimes. Does that mean he will always see other women the same way he sees me and just has to not give in to temptation? I could never look at a man the same way I look at my husband...not even the hottest man alive because to me that was my husband. What would you do if you were me?? I am so lost and defeated.|||This is one of many reason why so many women say they won't date musicians. The guy is up there every night surrounded by starry eyed stoned girls, and they're feeling like rock gods. It all goes to their heads and they do stuff like this. Simple as that.
If he quits the band then he'll be less likely to find himself in that state of mind in the future so perhaps he'll behave and never do that again. A guy up on stage being cheered has, for a brief time a feeling of absolute power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I don't think any guy could resist that situation for long.
Sorry. (((HUG)))|||Okay i didnt read all that, because all the important facts are in the question. Bottom line: You JUST married this guy, and he already slept with another chick. Consider that marriage is (meant to be) a lifelong bond, and if you don't think your relationship is strong enough to last, it's time to rethink.|||i think you need to take a step back and look at this, did you ever think any of those things before this .. eg him possibly seeing u as a sex object.
i say for now try to work through it, so many people now get divorces, yes he cheated on you and i cant sympathise, not one of my bfs has ever been faithful to me, so in my own way i know where u are coming from, i know its hard but look at this from another angle.. if u cheated on him, wat would u want him to do.. sort through it.. or throw away 6 years for one night?
also think about it like this .. are u willing to give up the good times uve had and r going to have for one night?
i say try ur best to sort through it, also, if u do choose to sort through it and u get to the point where u are ready to have sex with him again, use a condom, and when it has been 3 months since the incedent, make sure he gets tested.
i really think you should give it a go, but make urself very clear to him that he's on thin ice, don't let him off scott free .. he does deserve to be in the dog house, (cliche i know but still..) u need to make sure he knows that if it or anything similar ever happens again for him to break ur trust .. then thats it, hes blown it.
i see it as, the people who are unfaithful once arent bad people, they just made a very bad decision, i guaruntee that girl really did mean nothing to him.. he married you im sure he loves u with all his heart and is willing to make it up to u. just dont end it b4 uve tried to work things out, other wise u will more than likely always wonder "what if"|||Ok I was able to read about half way down which is probably better than most people will do, not to minimize your pain or anything its obvious you are troubled by this. I think the key thing you need to look for in this situation is your husband's attitude and behavior. Does he truly exhibit an attitude of contrition and regret over his infidelity? Does he seem to truly feel bad about it? That will be hard to determine whether it is genuine and of an appropriate level so I think that will be up to you to estimate. Secondly, what concrete steps has he offered or taken to prevent unfaithfulness from occurring again? Again, it will be up to you to determine whether or not he is making appropriate steps in this area. I would usually not counsel anyone to divorce, but sexual infidelity is one time when it might be considered as an option. There are emotional and "spiritual" (for lack of a better term) aspects to sex that are damaged by not abiding in a relationship of faithfulness to ones spouse. Damage to the relationship in this area is one area which can warrant ending it. Secondly in importance to this, the women that he encounters on these band trips will probably have a higher occurrence of STD's than the overall population. You would have to consider the ongoing possibility of diseases from this source. So as to what you should do, take plenty of time to make your decision and see if he exhibits behavior which indicates he is repentant (genuinely sorry for his actions and turning from them in totality).|||If you're worried about STD's go and have a check up... Both of you.
Don't listen to half the people on this website as none of them know you or him... Or the real situation.
Go and have counselling because it sounds like you both need it, and work it out between the two of you and the counsellor. Either together or individually. His counsellor will not be able to tell you anything that he tells him/her in a session. All sessions are confidential. In couples counselling you can discuss things together.
Good luck.|||either u go have a affair equal it up if it helps
good luck but like dude u get married and u cheat months after wtf is wrong with him !?|||Try seeing a therapist or get a divorce. Having an affair right after getting married means they don't take the marriage seriously.|||You should probably get a divorce|||Damn girl... that's rough. Look, i think you have to think about what YOU want. Do you still want to be with him? If so, you are gonna have to forgive and move on. Now, you can let him know that it will take time for you to trust him again and that you might never regain the trust you had before this incident. If you feel like you can't get by the one night stand, then you need to let him go. it's one of the two. But if you decide to forgive him, you cannot hold it over his head for the rest of his life. I personally could not do it. I would have to take the pain of heartache for a little while. it's up to you. He sounds like he has been a good man to you in the past and we are all human... Are you willing to let it go is what you need to ask yourself.
Good luck!|||You are not a sex object to him; the other women seduced and used him as a sex object.
Yes the the temptation is great and he succumbed, sorry.
Monogamy is in high conflict to a man's biology and a "rock star" brings tons of temptation.
What happens next is up to you.
You can never really forget but you can forgive.
It also sounds like he was doing drugs not just drinking.
Maybe one of his dick-head buddies slipped him something.
You should be worried about STDs.
You both need to get tested and get tested again in six months.
Finishing has little to do with it - and his inability to finish also suggest more than alcohol.|||I feel so bad for you, and I am truly sorry that horrible thing that we all think won't happen to us because we married the "best man", happened to you...on top of it, right after you got married. The funny thing is, I was thinking about posting something about me and my recent marriage of how I feel so alone, his job is his mistress. That's another story.
If I were you, honestly, IDK, it just seems so strange that he's been in this band for 12 years, and then just after you got married, he cheated on you. I know that you love him and it's hard to detach yourself from the man that you knew he was. I guess, my best 2 cents that I can give you is...remember the day/night of your wedding, and the vows that the both of you took...better for worse, this obviously falls in the worse category, so on that end, I believe it can be worked out, alot of working out, on the other end, from a biblical/religious standpoint (not sure if you're religious, but here's my take) he broke the one thing in a marriage that are in bounds for divorce. I'm not sure if this helps, but I hope it gave you some insight. Again, I am so sorry for your pain.|||how do you know that he hasnt done it before? once a cheater always a cheater, my ex of 3 years said he'd stop cheating i dont know how many times and it never happened, finally i couldnt take it anymore. how are you ever going to have full trust in him again? you're always going to be wondering what he's doing when he's gone. if you say its ok and stay with him, he'll know you wont leave him and he'll be able to do it again.
i cant tell you what to do, in the end you will end up staying with him and always wondering in the back of your mind becuase thats what i would end up doing, thats what most people in your situation would end up doing. just be careful. he said he'd quit the band, dont let him get out of it. but if it happens again, make sure you walk away because if you dont it will tear you down and you'll become nothing but the person he walks all over. good luck|||he does it once there will always be a probability he will do it again..
i would totally recommend to watch the movie Fireproof, powerful movie about marriage...It has def been a change in my marriage since we watched it together...It is definitely a tough situation to be in...but when we cant do anything, God can do everything...
Best wishes in your marriage...
and remember communicate..communicate!
let him know how you feel..|||Get this travesty Annulled. I know you love him, but come on...you've invested a hell of a lot of time into someone not to be happy and deserving. And honey, how can you be sure at this point that his cheating escapade only happened that One time?|||Only you can decide what you should do! It seems to me he is very ashamed of what he did and he is willing to work things out! Do you want to work things out?
I would go to counseling, and make sure he understands this is VERY HARD for me and we are starting from scratch. I would need a lot of time, patience, I would be very mean and rude to him sometimes because my heart is broken... Sex, for sure would be the hardest. I would be thinking constantly about him and the other woman! But only time would let me know if I can get over this, if I can sleep with him again, if I can stop picturing him and the other one, if I can forgive and be the happy again. Only time!!
So it's up to you to decide if you want to work on your marriage or walk away. But don't make your decision thinking there is only one person out there for you!! I personally don't believe that. And even if I did, I would rather be alone, living in peace, than being married and paranoid, constantly thinking my husband is cheating on me!!
I'm so sorry this happened to you... Good luck making your decision! And don't be ashamed because of what he did. It certainly wasn't your fault!! Take your time, and do what's best for YOU!|||You guys DO have hope that this will not happen again. But you both need couple counseling fast if you are to forgive him and keep the marriage together.
He has to face the consequences of his actions. He does seem remorseful for the action, but hasn't asked you to forgive him yet. He needs to address the alcohol issue (which really is not an excuse for what happened). And he needs to be tested for STD's before you guys have any more sex.
Its possible to forgive him - up to you what you want to do from this point on and what he wants to do. Trust takes a long time to rebuild and he's got a lot to rebuild. Trust only takes a few mins to be broken!|||Annulment|||I have been in love like this once. It feels lie no man out there will ever make you feel like te one you have. Will, now you say you feel dirty, betrayed. will, now he is willing to make a change for him cause he says with or with out you. I don't think this was his first time, maybe first time since your marriage. ANYHOW, I know its hard to trust and stop the feeling of being cheated on. that is what will destroy a marriage even if he never does it again. If you don't think you can get over it leave. then maybe in time being apart if its meant to be you guys will get back. but, you need to get away from the feelings and mend the broken Heart and get over the feelings you have or you will destroy you and begin to hate him more and more. I would leave him, but i also run from problems not fix them. and I would not be able to trust, but if i were to leave and be free, go out and really see if i can or cant live with out him, come back stronger . See if its love or just lust for you and him.
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